The Marriage Blog of Scott & Deborah Brown

What is the Correlation Between Facebook and Divorce?

2011-01-06T14:42:00.001-05:00

The Chicago Tribune, reports on the dangers of social networking. The author asks, "Do social media sites make cheating easier?"

In any technology, there are benefits as well as costs and risks. Social networking technologies are no different.

"A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 81 percent of divorce attorneys have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence during the past five years. More than 66 percent of those attorneys said the No. 1 site most often used as evidence is Facebook, with its 400 million registered users.

Another recent survey by Divorce-Online.com of more than 5,000 attorneys says Facebook is mentioned in about 20 percent of divorce cases."

My Parents' 63rd Wedding Anniversary

2010-12-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

Wedding Preparation

2010-09-28T14:24:00.000-04:00

Marvel at this: In the past two weeks, my wife Deborah and her daughters have made 95 cheesecakes, 2000 cookies, and 270 loaves of bread all in our little kitchen. Next it's banana bread, candle making, Blair's dress, and Deb's dress (she already finished Claudia's dress). During this time, she and Claudia have also proofread my upcoming book.

The Sweetest, the Dearest, and the Purest Life

2010-08-26T08:52:00.000-04:00

Marriage was reformed during the protestant reformation. Luther, demonstrated to a new generation what marriage for the glory of God could look like. He said,

Marriage is not a thing of nature but a gift of God, the sweetest, the dearest, and the purest life above all celibacy and singleness, when it turns out well, though the very devil if it does not. . . . If then these three remain—fidelity and faith, children and progeny, and the sacrament—it is to be considered to be wholly divine and blessed estate. . . . One should not regard any estate as better in the sight of God than the estate of marriage.^{^[1]}

[1] Martin Luther, Luther’s Works, American Edition [Works], ed. Jaroslav Pelikan and Helmut T. Lehmann, 55 vols. (Philadelphia: Mulenberg, 1955), 45:47

Teaching Daughters Theology

2010-08-24T08:58:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, Jonathan Sides spoke on "Preparing your Two Year Old for Marriage" at the NCFIC Marriage retreat. He said that "the most important thing you can do to prepare your children for marriage is to teach them the gospel. This is the most important understanding in marriage."

Then he said, "Just because women do not have a teaching role in the church does not mean that daughters should not be taught theology. In a home, the daughters grow up to play the role of the church, as the bride being loved by her husband, so the daughters need to be fortified by the sound doctrine of the true gospel."

A Question for Husbands

2010-08-23T09:05:00.001-04:00

During Dan Horn's message Friday night at the marriage retreat, he asked a very important question of husbands,

“When she married you, she gave you her life to spend. Are you spending your life wisely?"

Taylor Tsantles and Blair Brown - Betrothed to be Married

2010-08-02T16:42:00.003-04:00

Last Friday, our daughter Blair was betrothed to Taylor Tsantles. The wedding has been scheduled for November 6, 2010. Many of you have met Taylor because he has traveled extensively with me over the past four years and was the best man in my son David's wedding. He and I have been very close partners in ministry ever since he arrived in Wake Forest. God has given us a very special unity of heart in matters of church and family life and he is always a joy to be around - he is a cheerful and gregarious young man. He was only thirteen years old when he came to Hope Baptist and from the moment he arrived he and I worked closely together. He is in the web and graphic design business, Steadfast Designs. He has been an intern at Hope Baptist Church and has always proven himself to be consistent with what Paul said young men should be, "in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you." Titus 2:6-8

This is a very special time of joy for the Brown and Tsantles families. Our church family is especially giddy as they have been watching these two seek to glorify the Lord in the days of their youth.

Startling Statistics About Internet Pornography

2010-06-10T21:41:00.000-04:00

Here are some startling statistics about internet pornography.

25% of all search engine search requests are pornography related
35% of all internet downloads are pornographic
The average age of boys seeing internet pornography is age 11
12% of the web sites on the internet are pornographic - 24,644,172
The most popular day of the week for viewing porn is Sunday

The Lord's Holy Institution

2010-05-24T08:51:00.001-04:00

When God speaks about marriage He uses graphic and beautiful language. This holds true in the book of Malachi where the prophet calls marriage, "The Lord's holy institution which He loves," Malachi 2:11

"And When Death is At Hand" - I Read this to Deborah this Morning

2010-05-20T08:30:00.001-04:00

"In the time of health, you must often and seriously remind each other of the time when death will make the separation; and live together daily as those that are still expecting the parting hour....Reprove everything in one another, which would be an unwelcome memory at death. If you see each other dull and slow in heavenliness, or living in vanity, worldliness, or sloth, as if you had forgotten that you must shortly die, stir up one another to do all without delay which the approach of such a day requireth.

And when death is at hand, oh then what abundance of tenderness, and seriousness, and skill, and diligence, is needful for one, that hath the last office of love to perform, to the departing soul of so near a friend! Oh then what need will there be of your most wise, and faithful, and diligent help!....They that are utterly unprepared and unfit to die themselves, can do little to prepare or help another. But they that live together as the heirs of heaven, and converse on earth as fellow travellers to the land of promise, may help and encourage the souls of one another, and joyfully part at death, as expecting quickly to meet again in life eternal."

From the final paragraphs of Richard Baxter's, "The Mutual Duties of Husbands and Wives Toward One Another."

Richard Baxter on Preserving Love in Marriage - This is Really Fantastic

2010-05-19T13:59:00.001-04:00

Richard Baxter has very profound and timely counsel for husbands and wives for how they might love one another,

He gives directions for choosing a spouse, avoiding dissension, growing love and many other areas,

Some directions for maintaining love are as follows:

1. Choose a good spouse in the first place. A spouse who is truly good and kind. Full of virtue and holiness to the Lord.

2. Don't marry till you are sure that you can love entirely.

3. Be not too hasty, but know beforehand all the imperfections which may tempt you to despise your future mate.

4. Remember that justice commands you to love one that has forsaken all the world for you. One who is contented to be the companion of your labours and sufferings, and be a sharer in all things with you, and that MUST be your companion until death.

5. Remember that women are ordinarily affectionate, passionate creatures, and as they love much themselves, so they expect much love from you.

6. Remember that you are under God's command; and to deny marital love to your wives, is to deny a duty which God has urgently imposed on you. Obedience therefore should command your love.

7. Remember that you are "one flesh"; you have drawn her to forsake father and mother, and to cleave to you;

8. Take more notice of the good, that is in your wives, than of her faults. Let not the observation of their faults make you forget or overlook their virtues.

9. Don't magnify her imperfections until they drive you crazy. Excuse them as far as is right in the Lord. Consider the frailty of the sex. Consider also your own infirmities, and how much your wives must bear with you.

10. Don't stir up the evil of your spouse, but cause the best in them to be lived out.

11. Overcome them with love; and then they will be loving to you, and consequently lovely. Love will cause love, as fire kindleth fire. A good husband is the best means to make a good and loving wife.

12. Live before them the life of a prudent, lowly, loving, meek, self denying, patient, harmless, holy heavenly Christian.

The Importance of Eyes—John Chrysostom (c. 349 – 407)

2010-05-13T14:29:00.002-04:00

The Kairos Journal has many fascinating and helpful articles. Here is a resource I saw this week:

John Chrysostom, Archbishop of Constantinople and renowned preacher, here counsels those who struggle with the mental sin of lust. In his Homilies on Matthew’s Gospel, he encourages the right use of the eyes and warns the wayward.

Rather, if thou desirest to look and find pleasure, look at thine own wife, and love her continually; no law forbids that. But if thou art to be curious about the beauties that belong to another, thou art injuring both thy wife by letting thine eyes wander elsewhere, and her on whom thou hast looked, by touching her unlawfully. Since, although thou hast not touched her with the hand, yet thou hast caressed her with thine eyes; for which cause this also is accounted adultery . . .1

Footnotes

1 John Chrysostom, Chrysostom’s Homilies on St. Matthew Part One (Oxford: John Henry Parker, 1843), 256. In other translations see Homily 17 on Matthew 5:27.

The Work of a Husband and Wife at Home is Really a Public Calling

2010-05-10T08:37:00.001-04:00

William Gouge explains,

Work in a family is a public work

This is to be noted for satisfaction of certain weak consciences, who think that if they have no public calling, they have no calling at all; and thereupon gather that all their time is spent without a calling. Which consequence if it were good and sound, what comfort in spending their time should most women have, who are not admitted to any public function in Church or Commonwealth? Or servants, children, and others who are wholly employed in private affairs of the family? But the forenamed doctrine showeth the unsoundness of that consequence. Besides, who knoweth not that the preservation of families tendeth to the good of Church and Commonwealth?

So as a conscionable performance of household duties, in regard of the end and fruit thereof, may be accounted a public work.

Family life is demanding enough

Yea, if domestical duties be well and thoroughly performed, they will be even enough to take up a man's whole time. If a master of a family be also an husband of a wife, and a father of children, he shall find work enough; as by those particular duties, which we shall afterwards show to belong unto masters, husbands and parents, may easily be proved. So a wife likewise, if she also be a mother and a mistress, and faithfully endeavour to do what by virtue of those callings she is bound to do, shall find enough to do. As for children under the government of their parents, and servants in a family, their whole calling is to be obedient to their parents and masters, and to do what they command them in the Lord. Wherefore if they who have no public calling, be so much the more diligent in the functions of their private callings, they shall be as well accepted of the Lord, as if they had public offices.

Many are lazy in their family callings because they have no public calling

Yet there are many, who having no public employment, think they may spend their time as they wish, either in idleness, or in following their vain pleasures and delights day after day, and so cast themselves out of all calling. Such are many masters of families who commit all the care of their house either to their wives, or to some servant, and mispend their whole time in idleness, riotness, and voluptuousness.

Men and women wasting their lives in their fathers houses

Such are many mistresses, who spend their time lying abed, attiring themselves, and gossiping. Such are many young gentlemen living in their fathers' houses, who partly through the too-much indulgency and negligence of their parents, and partly through their own headstrong affections, and rebellious will, run without restraint whither their corrupt lusts lead them.

John Brown Finds a Wife

2010-05-03T09:20:00.002-04:00

My friend Mark Weaver sent me this story:

John Brown Finds a Wife

The mid-1680s is remembered as the Killing Time in Scotland. Royal regiments martyred Scottish Presbyterians at will. Despite the danger, Presbyterian John Brown fell in love with Isabell Weir. He proposed to her, but warned that he would one day seal his testimony with blood. Isabell replied, “If it be so, I will be your comfort. The Lord has promised me grace.” They were married in a secret glen by the outlawed minister, Alexander Peden. “These witnesses of your vows,” said Peden, beginning the illegal ceremony, “have come at risk of their lives to hear God’s word and his ordinance of marriage.” The vows were spoken, then Peden drew Isabell aside, saying, “You have got a good husband. Keep linen for a winding-sheet beside you; for in a day when you least expect it, thy master shall be taken.”

The Brown home soon included two children. It was happy, filled with prayer and godly conversation. Fugitive preachers were hidden and cared for there. But on May 1, 1685 John rose at dawn, singing Psalm 27, to find the house surrounded by soldiers. The family filed onto the lawn. The commander, Claverhouse, shouted to John, “Go to your prayers; you shall immediately die.” Kneeling, John prayed earnestly for his wife, pregnant again, and for his children. Then he rose, embraced Isabell, and said, “The day is come of which I told you when I first proposed to you.”

“Indeed, John. If it must be so, I can willingly part with you.”

“This is all I desire,” replied John. “I have no more to do but to die.” He kissed his children, then Claverhouse ordered his men to shoot. The soldiers hesitated. Snatching a pistol, Claverhouse placed it to John’s head and blew out his brains. “What thinkest thou of thy husband now, woman?” he snarled. Isabell, fixing Claverhouse in her gaze, told him she had never been so proud of him. Claverhouse mounted his horse and sped away, troops in tow. Isabell tied John’s head in a napkin and sat on the ground weeping with her children until friends arrived to comfort them.

Armies may surround me, but I won’t be afraid;
War may break out, but I will trust you.
I ask only one thing, Lord:
Let me live in your house every day of my life
To see how wonderful you are
And to pray in your temple.
— Psalm 27:3,4

Source: Morgan, Robert J.: On This Day : 265 Amazing and Inspiring Stories About Saints, Martyrs & Heroes. electronic ed. Nashville : Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000, c1997, S. May 1

Sanctifying Effect of Marriage – Sin Extraction Without Anesthetic

2010-04-30T08:41:00.001-04:00

“Marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egoism are extracted without anesthetic."

Helen Rowland, quoted in Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Keeping a Marriage Exciting Day to Day - What's the Secret?

2010-04-28T10:44:00.001-04:00

My parents have been married for 62 happy years. What's their secret? Well, here is one: They always say nice things to one another and keep the fun alive. Here are a couple of conversations we overheard in the last week.

Deborah and Claudia were taking my parents to the store, and my father was in the front seat and mother was in the back seat. It was quiet for a while and finally my dad broke the silence, "Hey Mary, you still back there?" My mom replied, "Bill, I'm still following you."

The other day, my dad said to my mother, "So, how come you are wearing two different ear rings?" She replied, "Oh no, I can't believe I did that!" Then she felt the ear rings in her fingers, and said, "No I don't - These are the same." He replied, "I know, I'm just kidding."

It Can Be Done - Poems for Hardship, Sacrifice and Dominion

2010-04-27T09:11:00.000-04:00

It Can Be Done - These poems are about real life. They will make you smile, square your jaw, lighten your load, heighten your step, and grow rebar in your spine. They will lift you up, make you soar, and give you a view of the smallness of your problems. They will help you think bigger, feel better, laugh harder, and eat your problems for breakfast.

The book was originally published in 1921 and contained 239 poems. I have cut these down to my favorites - the ones my wife read to me in her quest to be a good helper of her husband by inspiring him that, “It Can Be Done!”

This is a book for the rescue of 21st Century manhood and womanhood. The world needs real men and women today.

Our world is sick with feminized, soft, mollycoddling, sensitive males who are always looking for permission and affirmation and certification to do anything. These male maladies are ripping our culture apart. The average male today never grows up and rarely leads. He is an emotional basket case, constantly jerked around by his feelings - not governed by eternal principles. He is worried about his hair, spends his life playing games and has a therapist. The result is, he settles for “whatever.”

Our world needs real women as well. It is reeling under the influence of dizzy ditzy women whose vision is centered around themselves. It is languishing at the hands of women whose energy and joy have dissolved under the pressures of life. Instead, we need strong women who refuse to be unraveled or frightened by any fear. The world is crying out for a new version of resolute visionary women who are able to rise above their disappointments to see the goal. They sacrifice their lives for their children and follow their men to the ends of the earth.

“It Can Be Done!” by those who look hardship in the face, ready themselves for sacrifice and engage themselves in dominion.

On Your Love Language

2010-04-26T07:17:00.000-04:00

Commenting on the message of the popular book, The Five Love Languages, David Powlison writes,

“Gary Chapman’s world seems so sunny and blithe, so easy, so matter-of-fact in comparison. The problems of life seem so fixable. His advice is so doable. A bit of education and a bit of self-effort are all that’s needed for life to sing. The marriages in his book don’t need Jesus’ blood, sweat, and tears.”

Affection, Like a Mighty Current

2010-04-22T10:22:00.000-04:00

My friend Mike Davenport sent me this wonderful statement about the sweetness of the affections of a man toward his wife,

From Ray Ortlund’s blog…
“The man whose heart is endeared to the woman he loves . . . dreams of her in the night, hath her in his eye and apprehension when he awakes, museth on her as he sits at the table, walks with her when he travels. . . . She lies in his bosom, and his heart trusts in her, which forceth all to confess that the stream of his affection, like a mighty current, runs with full tide and strength.”

Thomas Hooker (1586-1647), quoted in Leland Ryken, Worldly Saints: The Puritans As They Really Were (Grand Rapids, 1986), page 40.

A Marriage for Holiness

2010-04-21T09:31:00.000-04:00

“What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”

Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage.

Jesus’ Vision of Marriage is Better than Ours

2010-04-19T08:08:00.000-04:00

In a sermon on marriage, John Piper says,

“That was the case in Jesus’ day as well, and ours is vastly worse. When Jesus gave a glimpse of the magnificent view of marriage that God willed for his people, the disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). In other words, Christ’s vision of the meaning of marriage was so enormously different from the disciples, they could not even imagine it to be a good thing. That such a vision could be good news was simply outside their categories.

"I mention all this in the hopes that it might possibly wake you up to consider a vision of marriage higher and deeper and stronger and more glorious than anything this culture—or perhaps you yourself—ever imagined. The greatness and glory of marriage is beyond our ability to think or feel without divine revelation and without the illumining and awakening work of the Holy Spirit. The world cannot know what marriage is without learning it from God. The natural man does not have the capacities to see or receive or feel the wonder of what God has designed for marriage to be. I pray that this message might be used by God to help set you free from small, worldly, culturally contaminated, self-centered, Christ-ignoring, God-neglecting, romance-intoxicated, unbiblical views of marriage.”

How to Handle the Weaker Sex - or, Why I need to be Nicer to Deborah

2010-04-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

Here is something I read yesterday from William Gouge, in Domestical Duties, writing in 1627 on Ephesians 5 in the section on the role of a husband. I have never heard any one ever express this, yet it is so true and has been so helpful to me since I read it. The net of it: I need to be nicer to my wife when she gets upset with me.

"Because wives through the weakness of their sex (for they are the weaker vessels) are much prone to provoke their husbands. So as if there be not love predominant in the husband, there is like to be but little peace betwixt man and wife, for "Love covereth a multitude of imperfections." Because Christ by his love provokes the church to love him, so a husband by loving his wife should provoke her to love him again; showing himself like the sun which is the fountain of light, and from which the moon receives what light she has: so he should be the fountain of love to his wife."
- William Gouge, Domestical Duties, 1627

When Looking for a Wife, Acknowledge the Dangers of the “Matrimonial Seas”

2010-04-15T07:40:00.000-04:00

John Newton speaks of a friend who is looking for a wife. He speaks of the dangers of finding a bad wife. In a letter, he refers to a mutual friend who was,

“very busy about that precious piece of furniture called a wife. May the Lord direct and bless His choice! In Captain Cook's voyage to the South Sea, some fish were caught which looked as well as others, but those who ate of them were poisoned: alas! for the poor man who catches a poisonous wife! There are such to be met with in the matrimonial seas, that look passing well to the eye, but a connexion with them proves baneful to domestic peace, and hurtful to the life of grace. I know two or three people, perhaps a few more, who have great reason to be thankful to Him who sent the fish with the money in its mouth to Peter's hook. He secretly instructed and guided us where to angle; and if we have caught prizes, we owe it not to our own skill, much less to our deserts, but to His goodness.”

A letter on “Worries about the Journey--A Good Wife,” by John Newton, July 15, 1777

George Whitefield on Sarah Edwards and Her Marriage

2010-04-12T12:06:00.000-04:00

George Whitefield commented on Jonathan and Sarah Edwards’ relationship following his visit to Northampton in 1740:

"A sweeter Couple I have not yet seen … She … talked feelingly and solidly of the Things of God, and seemed to be such a Help meet for her Husband that she caused me to … [pray] God, that he would be pleased to send me a Daughter of Abraham to be my wife." (Marriage to a Difficult Man, 1971: 80).

English Puritans Speak with Passion on Marriage

2010-04-08T09:49:00.000-04:00

The Puritans get a bad rap for being joyless and emotionless... nothing could be further from the truth. They waxed eloquently with emotion and grace on the subject of "the grace of life." Check these wonderful quotations from English Puritans on the wonders of marriage.

So Many Endearments…

2010-04-06T08:35:00.000-04:00

In a letter to his wife Polly, John Newton writes,

“It is no wonder if so many years, so many endearments, so many obligations have produced such an uncommon effect, that by long habit, it is almost impossible for me to draw a breath, in which you are not involved.”

From "Counterfeit Gods," by Tim Keller

Sarah Edwards – “Rendering in everything- agreeable and pleasant”

2010-04-05T09:02:00.000-04:00

[Sarah Edwards] uniformly paid a becoming deference to her husband and treated him with entire respect, she spared no pains in conforming to his inclinations, and rendering everything in the family agreeable and pleasant: counting it her greatest glory, and that wherein she could best serve God and her generation, to be the means, in this way, of promoting his usefulness and happiness. (Edwards “Works” Banner, Vol 1: xlv).

2010-04-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

The National Review has posted a very powerful article, Getting Serious About Pornography, showing the terrible threat it is to our marriages and our children. It is, in fact, the drug that destroys marriage,

The author begins the article by correlating pornography use with drug use,

"Imagine a drug so powerful it can destroy a family simply by distorting a man’s perception of his wife. Picture an addiction so lethal it has the potential to render an entire generation incapable of forming lasting marriages and so widespread that it produces more annual revenue — $97 billion worldwide in 2006 — than all of the leading technology companies combined. Consider a narcotic so insidious that it evades serious scientific study and legislative action for decades, thriving instead under the ever-expanding banner of the First Amendment."

The article goes on to say that the stages of drug addiction are very similar to addiction to pornography,

"According to Dr. Victor Cline, a nationally renowned clinical psychologist who specializes in sexual addiction, pornography addiction is a process that undergoes four phases. First, addiction, resulting from early and repeated exposure accompanied by masturbation. Second, escalation, during which the addict requires more frequent porn exposure to achieve the same “highs” and may learn to prefer porn to sexual intercourse. Third, desensitization, during which the addict views as normal what was once considered repulsive or immoral. And finally, the acting-out phase, during which the addict runs an increased risk of making the leap from screen to real life."

The author points out an amazing contradiction. The use of pornography, instead of increasing sexual activity in marriage, it actually destroys it for the majority,

"In a study published in Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, Schneider found that among the 68 percent of couples in which one person was addicted to Internet porn, one or both had lost interest in sex."

Not surprisingly there is an economic impact,

"The fact is that the moral and financial needs of couples struggling with this form of addiction will remain unaddressed in a country that views pornography use as a constitutional right."

A Ghastly Story Showing That Singleness Does Not Work

2010-04-01T09:03:00.000-04:00

Marriage is better than singleness. This is what the Bible teaches. Martin Luther illustrates that Celibacy Does Not Work:

"St. Ulrich, bishop of Augsburg, related a fearful thing that befell at Rome. Pope Gregory, who confirmed celibacy, ordered a fish-pond at Rome, hard by a convent of nuns, to be cleared out. The water being let off, there were found at the bottom, more than six thousand skulls of children, that had been cast into the pond and drowned. Such were the fruits of enforced celibacy. Hereupon Pope Gregory abolished celibacy, but the popes who succeeded him, re-established it.

"In our own time, there was in Austria, at Nieuberg, a convent of nuns, who, by reason of their licentious doings, were removed from it, and placed elsewhere, and their convent filled with Franciscans. These monks, wishing to enlarge the building, foundations were dug, and in excavating there were found twelve great pots, in each of which was the carcass of an infant. How much better to let these people marry, than, by prohibition thereof, to cause the murder of so many innocent creatures."

Martin Luther, The Estate of Marriage, 1522. (Translated by Walther I. Brandt).

My Parents After 62 Years of Marriage

2010-03-31T10:20:00.000-04:00

In Praise of the Inspiring Wife

2010-03-25T08:32:00.000-04:00

I don’t know how many times I have been inspired by my wife. I don’t think she has a plan, she just does it – like the time I arrived home one day and Deborah met me at the door. With book in hand, she began to read poems with the express purpose of inspiring me. The first poem she read was, “It Couldn’t Be Done,” and I was hooked. In fact, I republished my favorites in this book you can purchase, “It Can Be Done.”

SOMEBODY said that it couldn't be done,

But he with a chuckle replied

That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one

Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.

So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin

On his face. If he worried he hid it.

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

That couldn't be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that;

At least no one ever has done it";

But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,

And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.

With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,

Without any doubting or quiddit,

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

That couldn't be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,

There are thousands to prophesy failure;

There are thousands to point out to you one by one,

The dangers that wait to assail you.

But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,

Just take off your coat and go to it;

Just start to sing as you tackle the thing

That "cannot be done," and you'll do it..

Edgar A. Guest.

Like Killing a Dragon with a Toothpick

2010-03-23T08:43:00.000-04:00

David was thirteen when he told me he desired to marry Monica Daming. It was a long and challenging wait. Recognizing this, one of the guests at David and Monica's wedding asked me how David handled the long years of waiting for the time he would present himself as ready for marriage. I answered that he handled himself very well relating to Monica in the three years before their courtship. David’s counsel from me (and the Lord) was never to let on that he had affection for her until he was ready to marry her and her father gave his permission to speak to her on that level.

How did he do? In my mind, his conduct was flawless. He kept a stiff upper lip and treated her like everyone else. But more than that, he treated her “like a sister” (Titus 2).

A couple of years ago, I asked him how he was doing regarding his feelings for Monica. He told me he had very strong feelings toward her. I said, “David you need to kill that feeling,” even though I knew it would be near impossible. David replied: “Its like trying to kill a dragon with a toothpick.” So the toothpick took on new significance between us. We laughed many times over this and joked about all the things he needed that were stronger than a toothpick. He was never able to kill that dragon, but at least he never let it out of the cage - until the right time.

This turned into one of the truly joyful aspects of our relationship as we tried to walk together in dealing with the greatest passion of his heart. We would often get caught laughing about the toothpick and the dragon and no one else but us knew what it really meant. All I had to say to get him to punch me or chase me around the room was to say, “Hey David, how’s that toothpick?"

Deborah and I decided that instead of telling David he had no business being interested in a godly girl, we told him he had no business trying to win her heart and flirting with her but he should be free to pray and seek the Lord on the matter.

Broke but Married

2010-03-19T08:40:00.000-04:00

John Newton was like many who get married with very little money. He says, "The sum total of my inventory was seventy pounds in debt." I post this, not to give an excuse for poor preparation or to advocate poverty at the time of marriage, just to recognize that it happens to the best of men and that God is kind to give us companions even when we are not all put together. P103-104 From Disgrace to Amazing Grace, Crossway.

Eight Wedding Gifts from a Father to a Beloved Son

2010-03-19T08:15:00.000-04:00

When the men gathered together to give David their counsel on his upcoming marriage, I said this:

David we have been constant companions as we have walked together here at home, all over this country and the world. I want to bless you tonight before these men with two things, eight gifts from the Lord and some wisdom from heaven at the sunrise of your marriage.

First, are these eight gifts from the Lord. The Lord has given these to me and now I give them to you. God is placing eight things in your hands. These things have been mine and now they are yours. I pass them to you. They are the Lord’s.

A Scepter – It is an emblem of authority for dominion. It is held in the hand with the mantle of leadership upon your head. “The husband is the head of the wife” - This makes you a governor, a prophet, a priest and a king. Ephesians 5:22-33

A Shepherds Staff –It is the staff of a guide. “Husbands love your wives as Christ also loved the church.” The good shepherd hands to you His staff. “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

A Basket with Bread and Wine – It is the vehicle for nourishment as it contains the elements of nourishment. Like Christ, you are called to “feed the 5000,” “Can God provide a table in the wilderness?” (Ps 78) Yes, through your faithful labors for those the Lord brings to you.

A Root –It is the emblem of fruitfulness and it brings with it a world of fruitfulness. Be fruitful and multiply. The parable of the talents informs us of how we bear fruit. The emphasis is on work and multiplying what God gives you.

A Sword – This “sword” is the emblem of truth but it is no ordinary sword for it is the “Sword of the Spirit.” It is perfect, “The law of the Lord is perfect,” (Psalm 19) and it is sweet, “how sweet are your words to my taste,” (Ps 119:123)

A Heart – It is the emblem of love that fulfills the whole law. With this heart you will “Cherish” your new wife with it’s real heat that is communicated in the word for Cherish - “thalpe.”

A Cross – It is the emblem of sacrifice. The cross shows us how valuable it is to crucify the flesh and find what is worthy of boasting about – “God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of Christ.

A Baton – It is the emblem of the generations as you teach the commandments of the Lord to your children and your children’s children. Psalm 78:5-6

Second, I would like to present you with some wisdom from heaven for the sunrise of your marriage.

“Go, eat your bread with joy, And drink your wine with a merry heart; For God has already accepted your works. 8 Let your garments always be white, And let your head lack no oil. 9 Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun. 10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going. 11 I returned and saw under the sun that-- The race is not to the swift, Nor the battle to the strong, Nor bread to the wise, Nor riches to men of understanding, Nor favor to men of skill; But time and chance happen to them all.” Ecclesiastes 9:7-11

“eat your bread with joy,” Make full use of the gifts God gives and enjoy them to the fullest. There are small happinesses and delights that can be magnified with a thankful spirit, v7

“For God has already accepted your works,” Be reconciled with God, v7

"Let your garments always be white," live simply, v8

“live joyfully”, Make yourself a happy companion,” v9 There is not just something to do but something to experience.

“do it with your might,” give your mission everything you have, v10

“The race is not to the swift, Nor the battle to the strong, Nor bread to the wise, Nor riches to men of understanding, Nor favor to men of skill,” Rest in the providence of God for all things, v11

David, you have been a good son and I am grateful for all of what the Lord gave us during your time under my roof. We now possess many precious and pleasant riches from these times. The lines have fallen in pleasant places. I love you my son.

Marriage Advice from the Married Men of Hope Baptist Church

2010-03-16T08:06:00.000-04:00

Several men gathered to give verbal and written marriage counsel to my son David. The collected their exhortations in a notebook. Here are a few things that some of them said (I could not include a selection from all of them - too lengthy).

“Our allegiance to Jesus Christ must be completely without rival, and our duty to take up our cross and follow Him is absolute. Every other means, including marriage, is simply a servant to this great end.” Jason Dohm

“Remember that your marriage is about something greater than you and Monica – it’s about the glory of God and to shine forth the glory of the gospel.” Dan Horn

“David, if you walk in the spirit, you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh” Grandfather, Bill Brown

“God intends your marriage to be 'rooted and grounded in love' as the gardener must carefully tend to his garden in order to yield the desired crop so must the husband be the water, the soil and the careful pruner.” Jim Tsantles

“May the Lord give you strength to honor, protect and always hear the heart of your wife, with the love and gentleness that the Lord has given you, into His throne of grace, where you can be clothed in His grace during that time of need.” Ron Whitaker

“Marriage on earth is filled with some of the greatest feasts and celebrations this side of heaven, when we will experience the Great Feast at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.’ Jonathan Sides

From a list of ten exhortations form Psalm 78 that will keep you as a shepherd. #8 “They spoke against God. They said, “Can God prepare a table in the wilderness.?” V19 – Remember that God is more than able to provide for you and your family.” Barry Daming (the Future Father in Law)

“Shamelessly follow the example of your father. Do not trust your heart. And run with endurance with your eyes unwaveringly fixed on Jesus, not Monica, the author and perfector of your faith.” Peter Bradrick

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick - Marriage Week Countdown – Five Days

2010-03-15T11:05:00.000-04:00

David and Monica will be married in five days!!! The last weeks before your wedding are particularly challenging as you increasingly hate saying goodbye each day. It is one untenable deferment after another and “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life” and “desire accomplished is sweet to the soul,” (Proverbs 13:12,19). It is a real happiness to see these two moving closer and closer to a “tree of life,” and the ”sweetness of the soul,” and what the apostle Paul called, “the grace of life,” (1 Peter 3:7).

“The Evening When you First Gave me Your Hand”

2010-03-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

John Newton writes about the breathless moment he had after he asked for Polly’s hand in marriage,

“I shall never forget and you doubtless will remember the evening when you first gave me your hand... how I sat stupid and speechless for some minutes and I believe a little embarrassed you by my awkwardness. My heart was so full it beat and trembled to that degree that I knew not how to get a word out… This paralyzing silence was broken by Polly who made what Newton called, "the invaluable present" to him of her hand in marriage. " From Grace to Amazing Grace, Crossway Books, p104

Tonight - Married Men Meet with Our Son to Talk about Marriage

2010-03-11T18:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight is historic in the life of our son David who is getting married next Saturday. The married men of Hope Baptist are gathering together to meet with him and encourage him in the things of marriage. These men have prepared a page of counsel for him that he will be able to take home with him. He will receive wonderful counsel and worship will be the result. I'll give an update in a day or two.